Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep... and not get back up.

I am so incredibly tired. Horribly so.

I fall asleep standing up. Driving is... awkward. Work is awful. Coffee, energy drinks... they don't touch it.

I'm having a hard time getting out of bed. I just... can't find the motivation. I want to call in sick to work.

I'm also... incredibly angry. Angry and a bit depressed.

Almost two years of work into my body - Crossfit, running, counting calories.

What do I have to show for it? I went from 213 to 192, then have been climbing back up to where I am now - 206.

No matter what I do, I can't lose weight.

Hearing other people be successful is making me even more angry. It seems like it's so... easy for other people. I realize everyone has their own battle to fight.

But how do people lose 80 pounds in six months, and I can't lose ten in a year? Why is my body so stupid and repulsive, and disgusting?

It's not like I went on a 'diet' for a week and then freaked out. This is almost two years after I started.

Two years.

Does anyone know what it's like to struggle for two years and have nothing to show for it? It's embarrassing.

I should be thinner - even a tiny bit.

And I'm not. I'm not thinner, I'm not stronger, I'm not any better. I'm the same fat horrific blob I've always been and will always be.

I am going to a wedding in a few months... and the bride is so beautiful. She lost so much weight, and she's so thin and strong. She's always been pretty but now.. now she's absolutely breathtaking.

And she did all of this while I struggled so hard all this time to lose... apparently, nothing.

Sometimes, I just... I just want to not wake up. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being such a fat, ugly, pathetic loser.

I just... I hate myself and my body so much. I would do anything to be thin and beautiful.

Anything.

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