Thursday, January 31, 2013

Oh a Doctor I will see...

Made it back in to see another doctor.

Something isn't right with me.
  1. Exhausted ALL the time.
  2. Headaches. Constantly.
  3. Zero energy for anything.
  4. Can not lose weight. At all. No matter how hard I try.
  5. Majorly depressed and stressed often.
I expressed these five concerns when I visited. A full blood panel was ordered. She suspects my thyroid is the root of all of this, and we may need some medication adjustments to correct this.

She is the first doctor in my life who has ever told me I'm doing things correctly, and it may not be all my fault. I overloaded her with dietary printouts and exercise history courtesy of Body Media, heh.

She was glad to see that I am in fact - TRYING - and not just sitting around crying about it. Which was comforting, the last doctor I went to basically told me I was fat, and I MUST be doing something wrong.

Blood panel is scheduled for next week, then pending results... she'll adjust medication and see if we can squish the exhaustion.

After all, I can't finish Tough Mudder feeling like this!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep... and not get back up.

I am so incredibly tired. Horribly so.

I fall asleep standing up. Driving is... awkward. Work is awful. Coffee, energy drinks... they don't touch it.

I'm having a hard time getting out of bed. I just... can't find the motivation. I want to call in sick to work.

I'm also... incredibly angry. Angry and a bit depressed.

Almost two years of work into my body - Crossfit, running, counting calories.

What do I have to show for it? I went from 213 to 192, then have been climbing back up to where I am now - 206.

No matter what I do, I can't lose weight.

Hearing other people be successful is making me even more angry. It seems like it's so... easy for other people. I realize everyone has their own battle to fight.

But how do people lose 80 pounds in six months, and I can't lose ten in a year? Why is my body so stupid and repulsive, and disgusting?

It's not like I went on a 'diet' for a week and then freaked out. This is almost two years after I started.

Two years.

Does anyone know what it's like to struggle for two years and have nothing to show for it? It's embarrassing.

I should be thinner - even a tiny bit.

And I'm not. I'm not thinner, I'm not stronger, I'm not any better. I'm the same fat horrific blob I've always been and will always be.

I am going to a wedding in a few months... and the bride is so beautiful. She lost so much weight, and she's so thin and strong. She's always been pretty but now.. now she's absolutely breathtaking.

And she did all of this while I struggled so hard all this time to lose... apparently, nothing.

Sometimes, I just... I just want to not wake up. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being such a fat, ugly, pathetic loser.

I just... I hate myself and my body so much. I would do anything to be thin and beautiful.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Goodness I'm Tired...

Somehow, earlier this week, I ran out of steam.

I've been exhausted every day this week so far - to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open at work.

According to my armband, I'm getting more sleep than usual - actually hitting the 7-8 hour mark. Somehow, I'm still so tired.

I can't get up with my alarm to go run or go to Crossfit. If I stay in bed, I can get two more hours by sleeping till 7. Every day so far I've needed it, but it hasn't made a difference in my energy level.

Coffee, energy drinks, tea - nothing has made a dent in this weird cloud of tiredness.

I don't know what's going on, but it needs to go away. I have too much going to be brought down by exhaustion!

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Color Run

Sunday was the Color Run in Orlando. The Color Run is 'The Happiest 5K on the Planet' - and they aren't lying!

I've never had so much fun doing an activity I dislike so much! (I hate running, ok?)

The Color Run 5K is an event with about 10,000 people who show up dressed in white. It's not a race, so it's not timed (unless you time yourself) - and they throw colors at you for each kilometer you pass.

Here's me at the start of the race. Dressed in white, sporting my Body Media armband on one side, and my phone on other so I could time myself and listen to music. I ran this along with Courtney, a fellow writer from my craft blog The Divine Domestics, and we made tutus to wear.

Here's a race map, and you can see where the colors were thrown at us. I've been training for the past 8 weeks, getting ready for this 5k. Although it wasn't timed, I knew I'd have to time myself because I need to see the progress.

There were supposedly 10,000 people in this race - and I'm inclined to believe it! I had a hard time darting around people, and although they told us that slower movers should keep to the right - no one seemed to follow it. I was daring in and out of people the whole run - sometimes even being forced to walk due to crowding.

But man was it fun. Each color was like walking into a cloud. People would throw it on you, shovel if on you, and you can run, walk, dance, or cartwheel through it. I met once incredibly sweet gentlemen in a wheelchair who ran it with his wife, and one mother who carried a cardboard cut out of her child dressed in white because the child could not be present.

At the end of the race - I was hot, and tired, and very colorful.

I'm ever so glad for the sunglasses keeping the color out of my eyes, and the bandanna that kept it out of my mouth and nose for the most part.

My Runkeeper stats indicate that I finished this run in 44:36 minutes with an average pace of 14:57 per mile. That's something to be proud of!

May the Runicorn be with you!

Friday, January 11, 2013


I've been using my armband pretty consistently - and I feel like I am finally getting real results with it.

You can see here that even though I'm not hitting the calorie burn goal on average - I am however, keeping my calories even with it. When I check the progress throughout the day, I can see if I'm behind target, and adjust my calorie intake on a daily level.

This has been a tremendous help in finding out exactly how much to eat, rather than an estimate.

I've noticed that apps like Runkeeper give me an estimated burn calories of way higher than my Body Media armband does - and it can vary by quite a bit. To stay on the safe side, I stick to what the armband suggests rather than an estimate based on my BMI.

I also am glad to see that my daily average for exercise is 42 minutes a day - across a period of 7 days. I'm getting some form of exercise every single day - either running, or Crossfit - and that's important.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

5K only 5 days away

The Color Run looms over me, just 5 days away.

I had to re-do two weeks of the C25K program - partly because things went catywompus over Christmas, and it slowed me down a bit.

Yesterday was the last day of week 6, and I ran 25 minutes. There were a few pauses to catch my breath here and there, but for the most part - I made it.

The remaining parts of the program are no longer intervals. This week is all 25 minutes at a time, going up to 28 next week, and 30 after that.

My most recent run was yesterday - I made it 2.10 miles in 25 minutes, with about a 16:53 minute pace.

I've been feeling pretty bad about my pace. I feel like I'm working so hard but I am just so slow. Going to the Color Run on Sunday with a nearly 17 minute mile means taking 54 minutes to complete the full 5k.

I was stressing about this quite a bit, but why? Why am I being so competitive?

The Color Run isn't even timed!
The Color Run is a fun run. I have my white outfit and even a tutu that I made. I'll be tracking myself for the data, but why am I fretting over my speed?
Then I logged onto TheBerry today and I came across this image:
And suddenly I had the motivation I needed. It doesn't matter how fast or how slow I am. I am running because I want to be healthy and strong. I am running because my breathing and cardiovascular health has improved dramatically. I am running because there is something special about 5 AM.

The darkness, the coolness, the music, and the puppy plodding along beside me. Breathe, relax, run.