Friday, October 5, 2012

Why am I putting myself through this?

 So, I've been thinking about this a lot.

Why am I so dead set on being thin? It has nothing to do with being healthy, because other than being heavy, I'm healthy as a horse.

Why is my ideal beauty so far skewed?

Being thin won't make be stronger - I'm pretty bad ass now. I can lift... quite a lot! I've done the Savage Race and I'm going back for more later this month!

I'm pretty damn happy when I can eat pasta, macaroni and cheese, pizza and drink the occasional soda. I like to hang out with my friends, and I like to eat cookies. Food makes me... pretty damn happy.

So why do I feel like I have to be skinny to be pretty?

A very good friend of mine is not thin, but she's beautiful. She doesn't stress over her weight - she is just happy the way she is. She wears the prettiest dresses, nicest shoes, and a bold, bright red lipstick and she looks ... gorgeous. When we go shopping for clothes, if she finds something she likes and it doesn't fit her, she doesn't freak out like I do. She just finds something else that does.

So why do I feel like I'm not? Why do I always beat myself up? My entire motivation for losing weight is simply how terrible I feel about myself and my looks.

Would being thin ever make that stop? I *was* thin once, and I was never happy.
This is me thin, around 120 lbs or so. I still see issues with my body. My knees look baggy and fatty, I still have love handles and my arms are flabby.

So, I don't think that being thin is going to make me any happier. Yes, I'd love to wear tiny dresses and not have my jeans wear out on the inside of my thighs, and I'd love to wear a bikini.

Is it worth what I've been doing? Every time I step on a scale I feel like a failure. I feel incredibly deprived a lot of the time, and it really puts a dent in socializing with people. (Want to go out to lunch? Oh ... I can't eat there...) One of my coworkers bakes AMAZING treats and I feel like I can't have one when she brings them in. I should be allowed to eat one muffin if I want.

I just get so... frustrated. I worked out - HARD - for over a year, and I'm the same weight I was when I started.

Is trying to lose weight ever going to happen, if the primary cause is just that I think I'm ugly? I'm not going to suddenly find myself pretty if I managed to lose weight. Why does being overweight mean I'm some kind of failure?

There are plenty of women who are big and amazingly pretty. Why can't I be one? Why am I not good enough the way I am?

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