Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Self-Worth

When self-worth is determined by how much you weigh, it's extremely easy to get bogged down.
  1. Good food is not healthy food, and healthy food is not good. You can argue this all you want until the day you die - but macaroni and cheese and hot dogs are some of the best foods on the planet, and they are not healthy. Healthy foods like fish, are just... disgusting. Every time I try to make healthy food I default back to good food, because... good food is what I want to eat.
  2. Stress and work. My work life is that I get to work at 8 and I sit in a cold room with no windows, and half the time the door is closed when I'm on the phone. I'm tethered to my desk all day, and it's a big fat no on using an exercise ball for a chair or getting a standing desk. Due to the dungeon like room I sit in all day, I want to go *out* for lunch. There is no break room here, not even a table in the kitchen - meaning if I stay in the office, I must continue to reside in my dungeon and eat at my desk. The only outside seating environment available is the smoker's table, and that's just disgusting. There are no parks nearby that I can go to to walk around or eat outside.
  3. Friends. I don't have a lot of friends. I don't like to ditch the ones I do. But right now I feel like I have to choose between being healthy or having a life, because the two don't mix together. My co-workers like to go out for lunch. They like to go to various different places, and while I *try* my damnedest to pick a healthy option, when you go to Olive Garden and tell yourself you'll eat only a bowl of soup while everyone else gets bread sticks and pasta it's going to feel pretty crappy. When I go out for game nights to socialize, there is generally food - pizza, finger foods, candy and the like. All of these things are delicious, none of them healthy, and I can't control what gets served at this events. I know I could choose not to eat them, but then I risk making myself look rude, and honestly, I don't have great will-power in the first place.
  4. I'm busy. No, really. I'm so busy, I have to even consider how long it takes me to drive somewhere before I can make a commitment to anything. I barely have time to cook anything. Yesterday I was gone from 7:30 AM until 9 PM. Most of my days turn out like this.
  5. My husband isn't helping. In fact he's probably the least helpful person about this all together. He encouraged me to drop Crossfit, but we still haven't signed up for any other gym membership and I haven't succeeded in a single 'at home' work out since. If you ask him to fix dinner it usually means a box of mac and cheese, pizza, or apparently bacon and eggs (which is actually probably the healthiest thing he'll make).

This morning I was 208.6. I had all time-high weight of 213 lbs. I'm 5 lbs away from that. 5 lbs away from that after a year of hard work... it's all gone. My body is a fat piece of crap that is absolutely disgusting to look at.

It's not going to get better until I lose weight, and it doesn't seem like I'm capable of doing so. I wish I had the will power to be anorexic. I wish I could get away with cutting again because it is such an effective stress reliever. I wish I could be pretty. I wish to god I was pretty, but I can't be.

I can't be because I'm fat, and if you look at any thing.. anywhere, you'll see I'm right. No really, I'll wait. Go do a google search on beautiful women, and tell me how many women my size come up. I'll tell you - absolutely zero.

I don't know how I managed to get married. My husband must just... really despise me. I feel terrible for him, and sometimes I feel like he's only staying because of some deep-rooted obligation somewhere. He's freaking gorgeous and he could do so, so much better than me. Honestly if he leaves me for a beautiful, skinny woman, I won't be surprised. I don't even know if I could be angry at him. Why would anyone want to be stuck with me?

1 comment:

  1. OK IM A LITTLE LATE BUT

    vicky

    wat r u doin

    vicky

    stahhhhhp

    1. There is no reason Tyler would hate you. Being fat is not a valid reason to hate someone, and he's not someone who would hate someone for an invalid reason. He makes crappy food, but if he cared THAT MUCH about you being skinnier then he would make less crappy food. Ha!

    2. Healthy food that is fucking delicious: guacamole, acorn squash, salsa, marinated grilled chicken. Greek motherfucking yogurt (Chobani 0%, Fage 0%, both with your sweetener of choice...) Greek yogurt has saved my breakfasts. God DAMN it's so creamy and good. Tea. Beans. Strawberries. THESE THINGS ARE ALL FUCKING DELICIOUS. You are trying to convince yourself that these foods are not good because they're healthy? you're crazy honey

    3. when I worked (sob) I used to go out to my car and do stuff like eat in my car and enjoy the silence or the radio or NPR for a while, where no one could talk to me, look at me, or sabotage me with their fried food.

    4. Vicks VapoRub under your nose. When you are at game night and you smell these tasty things, prevent yourself from smelling them by using some.

    5. This might be a little bit underhanded, but if people bug you to eat out with them or think you're rude at game night you could always tell people that you talked to the doctor and there was not good news - pre-diabetes. They will stop 100% in trying to get you to eat shitty food, and you will not be rude in declining them because you will have already eaten a (healthy) dinner anyway.

    6. You go to olive garden and everyone eats pasta and breadsticks, yet they're getting fatter, and you with your soup are getting thinner. How does that EVEN feel crappy? Losing weight is a fucking awesome feeling! It's okay to be a little smug (to yourself) with it.

    EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE COUNTS.

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