Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Trying for a Rebound

I've mentioned before that I am bipolar.

Sometimes, it's not a big deal. I have off days, and I have on days. And in fact, I really like myself when I am having manic episodes - it's when I really feel like Wonder Woman and I can take on the world. It's when I am at my best.

However, that's when I have the farthest to fall. When the pendulum reaches the top of the arch it has to swing back down at some point - and I fell very, very far in the past few weeks. It has taken me days to recover, and even then I still only feel like I am running at half-capacity.

I've always struggled with self-esteem and body image. I don't know that I'll be happy when I'm thin because my body image is so distorted, I only know is that I have to keep trying to be strong and be healthy - and never, ever, ever give up.

In short, the pendulum is still swinging upwards. I expect over the next few days I will return to awesome.

I did, however, spend sometime trying to research why I may not be losing weight - and I found many people with the same struggle. We're all counting calories, or trying to eat Paleo as best we can, and we all do CrossFit - and we're not losing weight.

In fact, I came across one blog in particular that really caught my eye - her fiery passion and strength really kept me reading. The first post I found, When the Switch Gets Flipped, she talked about how in 10 months - her scale went UP. She's heavy, like me - you have no idea how frustrating it is to see a weight loss blog written by someone who is 150 lbs - and she gained weight. And she's proud of it.
I will proudly wear those 1.5 pounds, because it's obviously not fat - it's plain old Cock Diesel bitches.  It's 1.5 more pounds of badassness.  It's 1.5 more pounds of awesome that I will use to move heavier things around on a big, long, beautiful, and tubular...steel bar (your minds are always in the gutter). - Cupcakes to Crossfit
Then, as if that alone weren't enough - I found a second post where she seemed to be writing directly to me - The Scale is an Ignorant Douchebag!
And although I'm the same weight I was when I started CrossFit in May of 2011, I've lost to date (drumroll, please): 4.5 inches off my waist, 4 inches off my hips/butt, 3 inches off my bust, 2 pants sizes, and 2 minutes off my "Helen" time.  It took me way too long to truly believe the scale is most certainly a tried and true douche. So fuck you scale, you worthless bag of dicks! - Cupcakes to Crossfit
And suddenly,  I realize I'm not a failure, and I'm not alone. Some people are going to lose weight faster than me. Some people are stronger than me, and I'm still terrible at running.

But this morning, I got out of bed at 4:30 AM. I took my puppy for a walk. I went to Crossfit - and I RX'd the WOD.

Warm up:
  • 800 Meter Run
  • 25 Body Weight Squats
  • 25 Push Ups
  • 25 Sit-Ups
  • 400 Meter Run
  • 5 Hang Cleans (65 lbs)
  • 10 Push-Press (65 lbs)
  • 25 Climbers
  • 10 Front Squats (65 lbs)
  • 10 Push Press (65 lbs)
  • 25 Step Lunges
  • 5 Hang Cleans (65 lbs)
  • 10 Push-Press (65 lbs)
  •   400 Meter Run
I leveled up in Fitocracy, I came in under my calories yesterday, and I weighed in at 197.6 lbs today.

I'm not where I want to be. But I'm not where I was, either. I have GOT to learn to stop comparing myself to other people and only look at my own progress. I have got to learn to stop looking at how far I have to go, and look at how far I've come.

I have to remember that I'm doing this for ME. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. Strong and healthy are beautiful.

I know myself well enough to say for certain that I can't do this over night. There will be set backs. My weight will fluctuate. My moods will swing back and forth.

But I will not quit.

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