Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Body Image

How do you cope with a negative body image? I'll be the first to admit - the way I view myself is not pleasant. I am my own worst critic and worst enemy when it comes to how I see my body.

I know I'm not alone this. I feel like I am constantly bombarded with images of beauty that I can not achieve - and I don't mean the covers of a magazine.

I frequent sites such as The Chive who frequently post photos of Chivettes, and also contain posts of Mind the Gap and There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us. I visit for my Daily Afternoon Randomness, but the site is flooded with 'beautiful' women, and they are never even slightly chubby women.

Let's not forget any clothing store, ever - Victoria's Secret, Kohl's, Sears, and ModCloth. Even when I'm shopping for plus sized clothing - the model in the image is never plus sized!

Any movie you watch contains women who are incredibly beautiful. I've met photographers who admit to only showcasing models who they find attractive. Half of Pinterest is full of half-naked women who are thin.

When I look in the mirror - here is my honest opinion of how I look.
I hate everything about my body. My face is fat and boyish. I have cheeks that are so big I am embarrassed to smile in photos because it makes me look bigger. I have a fat chin and a big neck. I can't see my collar bone because of all the fat. My arms jiggle, and my breasts sag. My stomach is round and I almost look like I have an extra set of boobs because one of my fat rolls is so big. I have back boobs. My butt is covered in stretch marks. My thighs rub together. My calves are fat and chunky and my ankles look gross. I hate the way I look when my hair is pulled back. I have disgusting little pudgy feet. I have fat little sausage fingers. I have dry, thin, brittle hair. I am 26 years old and I still get acne all the time. I'm super hairy - I have to deal with incredibly thick eye brows, a stupid mustache, hair on my knuckles, toes, butt and back. My body hair is so thick I shave my arms. I paid for laser hair removal surgery because I'm so disgusted by how much body hair I have. I have a happy trail and hair all over my belly. I'm so fat I look pregnant.
I've never felt particularly gorgeous. I have three sisters and growing up they were the pretty ones. My husband is actually an ex-boyfriend of one of them. I was an ugly kid.

I was never very pretty; but I was not fat when I was young. I started gaining weight in high school and kept on going until I hit 215 lbs.

The self-loathing has gotten worse over the years, too. I'm reaching a point where I don't think I can ever reach progress because of how I see myself. I'm so ugly and disgusting now. How is losing weight going to change that? Am I magically going to look drop dead gorgeous just because I'm thin?

Why can't I just ignore what the scale says? Why aren't my husband's words enough? Why do I compare myself against the Internet's standard of beauty - and can I ever stop it?

How can you learn to love something you hate this much?

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