Monday, February 13, 2012

Set fire to the rain.

Welcome to.. well, yet another of the thousands upon thousands of fitness blogs out there. How am I different? I don't know... but if I worry too much about whether or not I'm different or original - I'll never get going!

In order to help me write, I feel the need to tell the world a little about myself, so everyone knows my starting point, and why I am doing this.

I'm 26, married, and I have a full-time job at a desk. I'm also bi-polar and I have manic days... and days where I can barely function. So my journey into the realm of fitness is not exactly easy.

My journey really began last year - but I was too embarrased to share it. I was 25 and I had hit my highest weight - 213 lbs. I was so large I wore exclusively large, baggy t-shirts and blue jeans and messy pony tails. I didn't like to go clothes shopping, and I was out of breath after half a flight of stairs.

I hated the way I looked and the way I felt. When I say I hated myself - I mean it. There are days when I locked myself in my room and cried because my clothes were no longer fitting me. I don't know how my husband stayed by my side through all of those horrible episodes - and never once telling me I was anything short of beautiful. I never heard his kind words, though - I was too busy being lost in self-loathing. That self-loathing where I destroyed my own self-esteem (call yourself a fat cow often enough, and you won't be able to belive anything else) and I ate to console myself.

The most damaging thing I tried to do was to learn to love myself at such a large size. I don't mean that larger framed women can't be beautiful - just look at Adele or Queen Latifah or Kirstie Alley, for example. I mean I tried to tell myself that the way I looked was the only self-worth I had. I was so caught up in the way I looked. The way I looked defined how I felt about myself in a way I never thought possible.

Then my husband decided to join the National Guard, and he went to the YMCA and he worked out - a lot. He changed his eating, his snacking, and his habits - and he lost about 50 pounds. He had gone from 240 to 192 to meet the requirements.

I was initially afraid that after losing all of this weight and getting so fit - he wouldn't be interested in me. While that is a completely ridiculous accusation and he would never do such a thing - it was enough of a kick to get me motivated to do something about it.

I started going to the YMCA, and I found an app on my phone called 'MyFitnessPal'. I began obsessing over food and counting calories. It didn't take long for me to drop about 10 pounds this way!

It also didn't take long for me to plateau and get frustrated, either.

After my husband left for Basic Training, I decided to really go for it. No waiting for a New Year's Resolution, no waiting for the first of the month - just GO. So the week he left, I joined my local Crossfit box.

Crossfit is insane. For someone like me who sits at a desk 40 hours a week, my first few months were brutal.

Sit-ups? What's that?
Running? Me?
Squats? I don't even...
Lifting weights? Won't I turn into a huge tomboyish scary woman?

I also began working on my eating habits - and I attempted the Paleo diet for two months. I managed to lose another 10 pounds before my husband graduated Basic Training.

Then I plateaud again. I've actually gained some weight back, I'm sitting around 196 pounds today. Still under 200, but a long, long way from my goal of 135 pounds. I stopped trying to follow Paleo because it is very difficult to maintain (not to mention expensive!). Right now I am trying the 90 Day Body by Vi Challenge. I don't know if this is a fad diet, or if it will work - but I am going to give it a shot. (I am on Day 11, and I'm actually up 2 pounds since I started...)

I am still using MyFitnessPal to track my food, and I also enjoy playing Fitocracy with my friends. I still struggle with bad eating habits, learning to eat healthy, and keeping up with exercise. I'm attending my local Crossfit somewhere around 5 times a week on average. Due to temporary insanity, I have also signed up for The Savage Race.

The goal has also changed - it's no longer about looking like the women on the cover of Cosmo. It's about being healthy. Learning to eat right, taking care of myself, and learning to be strong. It's a long journey ahead, but every little step is a tiny bit closer to the end goal.

I mean, not to brag, but I can deadlift 175 pounds now. When I started, I could hardly move the bar. I still have a lot of body fat on me, but I am more fit than I have been in the past few years and I know that when I reach my goal I will have done it right - through proper diet and exercise.

So that's me. I'm learning to defy gravity, to set fire to the rain. To find beauty in strength, and to love who I am. Gravity be damned, one day I'll fly.

No comments:

Post a Comment